A new jokes thread for your amusement.

[specs]

A young ventriloquist is touring Essex and, one night, he's doing a show in a small town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It is men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general ... pathetically all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little **** on your lap!"

 

[specs]

Here?s Why Scottish Police Have The Greatest Sense Of Humor | Dumpest

 

[specs]

Glaswegian nicknames‏















"The Colostomy" - the girlfriend of a married man (i.e. the wee bag on the side).

"The Boomerang Kid" - whenever anyone at work asks a question, he always replies: 'I'll get back to you on that. '

"The Parachute" - lets everyone down at the last minute.

"Vaseline" - his real name is Willie Burns.




"Rembrandt" - loves saying to colleagues: 'Let me put you in the picture...'

"Bo Derek" - a chap called Derek with terrible body odour.

"The Genie" - magically appears whenever anyone opens a bottle.

"Dulux" - his pals reckon he's only got one coat.

"Soapy" - washes his hands of any problems that crop up..

"The Yeti" - always on the sick. Many unconfirmed sightings of this guy, but nobody can prove he actually exists.

"The Gas Man" - he's serviced loads of old boilers.

"The Hostage" - when anyone asks for help he always replies: 'Sorry, my hands are tied.'

"The Olympic Flame" - he never goes out!

 

[specs]

"Two Soups" - his real name is Campbell Baxter

 

[specs]

"It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.”

 

[Besoeker]

"It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.”

Reminds me of a nickname that a friend of my son-in-law had.
Mabawser.

His name was Ritchie.

Mabawser Ritchie..........

 

[Besoeker]

"Two Soups" - his real name is Campbell Baxter

Friend and ex-colleague was Two Dogs.
Martin.
Two dogs fartin'

 

[specs]

A MORALITY TEST



Read to the end before making a judgment.



This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.



By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.



The test features an unlikely fictional situation, in which you will have to make a decision.



Remember that your answer needs to be honest and spontaneous.



Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.



* THE SITUATION *



You are in London. There is chaos all around you, caused by a storm with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions.



You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.



You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.



* THE TEST *



Suddenly, you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.



You move closer. Somehow, the man looks familiar.



You suddenly realize who it is.



It's the Muslim Cleric, Abu Hamza, the one-eyed, hook handed ******* who hates non-Muslims and wants the UK to become an Islamic state.



You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.



You have TWO options:



You can save the life of Abu



or



You can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most despised, evil and powerful men.



*THE QUESTION*



AND PLEASE GIVE AN HONEST ANSWER



Would you select high contrast colour film, high density full colour digital or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

 

[steve50]

A father buys a robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching ****."
Dad says,” What? At your age I didn't even know what **** was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says,” Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

 

[steve50]

.........

 

[specs]

Three Ladies are playing the fourth hole at a well-known golf course on the edge of Greenwood, when a naked man wearing a paper bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green.

The three ladies stand in awe at the size of his manhood.

The first lady says, 'He is definitely not my husband.'

The second lady, gazes at his manhood and says, 'He is not mine either.'

After a very considered inspection, the third lady finally says, 'He's not even a member of this club!'

 

[specs]

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits

 

[specs]

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about Sex at that age."

"Curious about Sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"

 

[specs]

Merseyside Police have announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi- automatic rifles.









with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 10 anti-tank




missiles, 4 grenade launchers...









2 tons of heroin,





£25 million in forged notes and a ring of 25 prostitutes









on a housing estate behind Toxteth Public Library.









Toxteth folks were stunned. A community leader said:




"We is well shocked."




We never knew we had a library in Toxteth

 

[specs]

The lead actor in the local pantomime Aladdin was sexually abused from behind on stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn him

 

[specs]

A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon.

All the patrons gawked as the cowboy kissed his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink.

The bartender serves him and asks, "Mind if I ask why'd ya kiss your horse on the butt?"

The cowboy says, "It's 'cause I got chapped lips."

The bartender asks, "Does manure help them heal?"

Cowboy replies, "No, but it keeps me from licking them."

 

[Darkwood]

Im risking it here .... a cartoon of Christ - I Feel the rise of the evil Christians against me ....:willy_nilly:

 

[telectrix]

haha. but herein lies a lot of the problem. christians and westerners in particular, can laugh at ourselves. muslims apparently cannot.

 

[Darkwood]

haha. but herein lies a lot of the problem. christians and westerners in particular, can laugh at ourselves. muslims apparently cannot.

Yes but Ironically Jesus is one of the Muslim prophets but seems to have different responses from that of Mohammed ... never saw any issue with the life of brian... anyway wrong thread for this discussion ... back to the Panarama thread for this

 

[trev]

To be fair there was an outcry about The Life Of Brian. Several Christian organisations called for blasphemy charges to be brought and there were death threats.